Whether I want it or not!

Where do I even start..well I know its time I start to chronicle this journey. Afterall its been 7 years in this desert place, SUCH a long trial I had lost sight that this was a season and not just going to be life as a I know it from here on out. Since I had last posted I have been diagnosed with 2 more pain conditions: interstital cystitis and peripheral neuropathy,had a total historectomy and now have an abnormal mass on my leg. Still awaiting Dr's opinion on where to go next with the mass. So healthwise Im still waiting for healing, and absolutely emotionally I am still waiting for healing. I have not been in so much emotional pain since I have accepted Christ, I'm just plain raw. Broken relationships are piling up, I have faced more rejection, deception, and just plain heartache during this season than I can care to journal. I have forgiven those that have hurt me. But I cannot forget. Especially when the offenses continue on a regular basis. It's so hard to walk this walk in love sometimes! Just today I got called a b***** by a complete stranger at the store after I smiled and said excuse me, wow! My check was declined by a store because someone else stole a check last year and wrote it on my account. So now I face the humiliation of having to return items while the checker shouts across the store "can someone put all this stuff back her check was declined" all the while the line is growing behind me. Yesterday I was driving home from my appointment where the ultrasound tech exclaimed, "well I definetely saw something that doesn't belong, I'll have it read now and you be sure to call your Dr today". He didn't even wait until I had changed my clothes to call the Radiologist. Could it be the big "C"? I drove home bawling my eyes out and wishing I could just keep driving.. don't get me wrong I adore my husband and kids. They are my dream come true and the biggest blessings second only to Christ. But I just wanted so badly to escape whatever news I'm about to receive, to escape the pressures of being a Christ following mom when I know nothing of what that looks like, the pressures of being a wife who continually fails her husband because she is in too much pain to take care of herself let alone serve and love someone else. The pressures of being His salt and light to people who treat me like Im invisible. Im JUST SO TIRED... tired of well meaning Christians telling me I need to believe and speak healing over my body, afterall the reason Im so sick is because I lack faith. HA! I have been crying out in complete belief, knowing my Lord could wipe every ailment away from my body if He willed and being denied again.. . He WILL heal me but it will be in HIS timing. What on earth was the entire book of James and the book of Job placed in the Bible for? Why was David called a man after God's heart. Because he was broken before God. He didn't gloss over all his pain as if it werent happening. No he admitted, hey this is where I am, I am hurting and I love you God! I am so there. I can only dream of being compared to David. I want God to get every ounce of the glory in this season because and brace yourselves "word faith" people, I cannot do this without Him, I don't want to... I would rather be dead than face one minute without his mercy and love. I cannot heal myself, I have tried believe me, been to every kind of Dr there is. I have all the faith in the world in my only Healer- Christ! I am ready to stop saying Im fine when asked and share that Im in a lot of pain. I want everyone to see after this is all said and done, exactly what Christ healed me of. Not because of anything I said or did, but because HE IS GOOD! He is my all, if I take my eyes off Him for 5min I fall. I am alone with 2 kids 2 weeks out of the month and by no means am I calling my self a single mom but having your husband away when you are in constant pain and you have 2 kids 5 and 3 depending on you, a diabetic blind 100 pound dog, 3 fish and 2 frogs is enough for those 2 weeks thank you very much :) if it werent for Christ I would have repeated patterns of abuse, destroyed myself in addictions, and I am scared to think what else. I'll end by saying through excruciating pain, Thank you God, Thank you for loving me enough to bring me to my knees whether I want it or not.  God thank you for allowing people to be disappointing so you could be there so I can cry on your shoulder, God thank you for allowing these illnesses to persist so I can see that every breath I take is a from you! Thank you for refining me, thank you for causing me to perservere when I want to give up, thank you for friends who cry with me, thank you for kids who make me laugh when my eyes are full of tears, thank you for a beautiful marriage and husband who truly loves me in sickness and health, for rich or for poor. Thank you that no matter how bad I am hurting it will never compare to the pain of what you endured for me! You saved my life by giving your own. God you are my ALL, you are IT! God I am hurting but I am blessed!

Healed or Not

I am not a self proclaimed writer so bear with me, this blog is a way to share my heart more than anything.  I believe until the day we die we will all battle with physical ailments or nuisances in some form or fashion. It is hard to watch babies and children and innocent people hurting, the only reasoning and comfort is that this hurt will not last forever, our time here on earth is brief in comparison to eternity.. we live in a broken, hurting, fallen world and being a part of it only makes the ache for my eternal home that much greater. Though some believe it is because of sin-some sin does bring on sickness-gorge yourself with food and your body will likely respond with high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, etc. There are some like myself who have believed, prayed, and fasted for God's healing. He is the Creator of my body and could restore me to complete health instantly but it has not been His Will to for over 5 years now. I don't believe this is because of anything I neglected to believe or do. I have had countless others praying for and with me! He is withholding complete physical healing from me and Im not sure why but I am sure of one thing- He is good! It hasn't been easy for me to get to that point, I have been through many trials and alot of pain. I have Fibromyalgia (a condition where I am in near constant pain all over my body-it causes insomnia, muscle spasms, anxiety, and debilitating fatigue), I also have migraines at least 15 days/month, TMJ disorder, Myofacial pain, Scoliosis, Arthritis throughout my back and in my neck, Carpal Tunnel in both wrists and an unspecified Autoimmune Disorder.  These are not fatal conditions and I am grateful to be alive. But tell that to my 3 and 5 year old who want me to run and play everyday. These conditions greatly limit my daily activities...BUT God has answered my prayers for healing.. HE has decreased my migraines from everyday to around 15 per month and my pain is growing less to the point I can exercise which helps. The best answer though has been his prescence.  I feel Him and His grace so strongly especially when my pain is at its very worst. I can honestly say that I would not trade complete physcial healing for His sweet presence. He ALWAYS answers our prayers for healing! There is not a formula! Cry out and He will answer- sometimes no, sometimes wait, sometimes yes! Sometimes yes looks different than what we think it will look like. I feel like in my own life the yes has been just an outpouring of his mercy,grace and presence at times.  I will not stop asking the Lord for complete physical healing but I have learned that if it's not His Will to bring me that in this lifetime here on earth I am content with that and even grateful for the fact it causes me to press into Him when I otherwise wouldn't need to, it keeps in the place that is most important- at His feet..