Whether I want it or not!

Where do I even start..well I know its time I start to chronicle this journey. Afterall its been 7 years in this desert place, SUCH a long trial I had lost sight that this was a season and not just going to be life as a I know it from here on out. Since I had last posted I have been diagnosed with 2 more pain conditions: interstital cystitis and peripheral neuropathy,had a total historectomy and now have an abnormal mass on my leg. Still awaiting Dr's opinion on where to go next with the mass. So healthwise Im still waiting for healing, and absolutely emotionally I am still waiting for healing. I have not been in so much emotional pain since I have accepted Christ, I'm just plain raw. Broken relationships are piling up, I have faced more rejection, deception, and just plain heartache during this season than I can care to journal. I have forgiven those that have hurt me. But I cannot forget. Especially when the offenses continue on a regular basis. It's so hard to walk this walk in love sometimes! Just today I got called a b***** by a complete stranger at the store after I smiled and said excuse me, wow! My check was declined by a store because someone else stole a check last year and wrote it on my account. So now I face the humiliation of having to return items while the checker shouts across the store "can someone put all this stuff back her check was declined" all the while the line is growing behind me. Yesterday I was driving home from my appointment where the ultrasound tech exclaimed, "well I definetely saw something that doesn't belong, I'll have it read now and you be sure to call your Dr today". He didn't even wait until I had changed my clothes to call the Radiologist. Could it be the big "C"? I drove home bawling my eyes out and wishing I could just keep driving.. don't get me wrong I adore my husband and kids. They are my dream come true and the biggest blessings second only to Christ. But I just wanted so badly to escape whatever news I'm about to receive, to escape the pressures of being a Christ following mom when I know nothing of what that looks like, the pressures of being a wife who continually fails her husband because she is in too much pain to take care of herself let alone serve and love someone else. The pressures of being His salt and light to people who treat me like Im invisible. Im JUST SO TIRED... tired of well meaning Christians telling me I need to believe and speak healing over my body, afterall the reason Im so sick is because I lack faith. HA! I have been crying out in complete belief, knowing my Lord could wipe every ailment away from my body if He willed and being denied again.. . He WILL heal me but it will be in HIS timing. What on earth was the entire book of James and the book of Job placed in the Bible for? Why was David called a man after God's heart. Because he was broken before God. He didn't gloss over all his pain as if it werent happening. No he admitted, hey this is where I am, I am hurting and I love you God! I am so there. I can only dream of being compared to David. I want God to get every ounce of the glory in this season because and brace yourselves "word faith" people, I cannot do this without Him, I don't want to... I would rather be dead than face one minute without his mercy and love. I cannot heal myself, I have tried believe me, been to every kind of Dr there is. I have all the faith in the world in my only Healer- Christ! I am ready to stop saying Im fine when asked and share that Im in a lot of pain. I want everyone to see after this is all said and done, exactly what Christ healed me of. Not because of anything I said or did, but because HE IS GOOD! He is my all, if I take my eyes off Him for 5min I fall. I am alone with 2 kids 2 weeks out of the month and by no means am I calling my self a single mom but having your husband away when you are in constant pain and you have 2 kids 5 and 3 depending on you, a diabetic blind 100 pound dog, 3 fish and 2 frogs is enough for those 2 weeks thank you very much :) if it werent for Christ I would have repeated patterns of abuse, destroyed myself in addictions, and I am scared to think what else. I'll end by saying through excruciating pain, Thank you God, Thank you for loving me enough to bring me to my knees whether I want it or not.  God thank you for allowing people to be disappointing so you could be there so I can cry on your shoulder, God thank you for allowing these illnesses to persist so I can see that every breath I take is a from you! Thank you for refining me, thank you for causing me to perservere when I want to give up, thank you for friends who cry with me, thank you for kids who make me laugh when my eyes are full of tears, thank you for a beautiful marriage and husband who truly loves me in sickness and health, for rich or for poor. Thank you that no matter how bad I am hurting it will never compare to the pain of what you endured for me! You saved my life by giving your own. God you are my ALL, you are IT! God I am hurting but I am blessed!